So this is hell. I'd never have believed it. You remember all we were told about the torture-chambers, the fire and brimstone, the "burning marl." Old wives' tales! There's no need for red-hot pokers. HELL IS-- OTHER PEOPLE!There are certain 'rules' which one associates with travelling on the Tube, lovingly recreated in posters around the Underground network circa 2001 (Love is... letting other people off first), and oft-referred to. One assumes that these rules are universally acknowledged, and yet the experience of twice-daily commuting proves otherwise. Therefore, in the feeble hope of sorting this out, and the more realistic aspiration to get some frustration off my chest, I present a far from exhaustive list of How to Be a Good Tube Passenger. By a Great One.
- Garcin, 'No Exit', Jean-Paul Sartre
1. Trains are noisy bastards. This is because they zoom through tunnels at speeds in excess of 50mph: you may be aware that humans don't do this. At this point, I would like to suggest that neither should humans try to COMPETE with the sound of a train in motion, because it is a very difficult competition to win. If you are special enough to try, however, you will annoy fellow passengers in the process and even if you do win, the prize isn't all that great. Because a hangover is 64.7% more distressing when you are SHOUTING EVERYTHING, my rules go as follows: if I can still hear your noise over my iPod at full volume, you will find yourself rewarded with the Glare of Disapproval. This is stage one of the passenger complaints procedure. Being English, my next move will be to break out the Tut of Intolerance, often followed in quick succession by stage three, the Throat-Clearing of Grumpiness, and four, the Eye-Roll of Frustration. If you are wise you will cease and desist at this point, for stage five is not to be attempted without the help of a responsible adult, before the watershed, or without wearing protective clothing. Stage four is only to be used to avert imminent apocalypse, and it is this: the Polite Request. Nothing is ever this bad, however, and crises are often averted by simply getting off the train and changing carriage or, to avoid embarassment, just putting yourself out by waiting for the next one. Simple.
2. It is considered very rude to walk up to someone in the street and point a knife perilously close to a their throat, or to mix shards of glass into the glass of Jacob's Creek they are about to consume in a bar, no? And yet it apparently is socially acceptable to stand directly behind someone while they are waiting on the platform for a train. Why do people do this!? It makes me very very nervous and as though, at any moment, you might lurch forward and send me careening off the edge, to a shocking (ha ha) death. And in terms of ways to die, it's a pretty annoying way to go - having been delayed many a time by others' selfishness and refusal to top themselves in a way that doesn't hold up the District Line at rush hour, it worries me to think I might be the next 'earlier person under a train causing severe delays we suggest you take the replacement bus service'.
Interlude: an ode to personal space.
This is a tricky one, as if you particularly value it then what on earth are you doing taking the tube in the first place? Alas there *are* people in existence who act terribly surprised/offended that they must deign to share a arm-rest/pole/carriage with the masses of the unwashed (which, contrary to the saying, isn't all that Great really), and these people have clearly failed to spot the 'public' in public transport. They soon learn; you can't not, really, when forcibly inserted into armpits with alarming regularity. However, the greater crime is surely the inverse, the invading of others' space without it being absolutely clinically necessary. If we really must share the same air-space, then let's please at least be stoic and British about it, staring at our shoes, into middle distance or at the strip lighting which is suddenly and inexplicably fascinating. The worst breaches include standing with your back/shoulder/bag in contact with my book, so that it gets rhythmically jolted every time the train hits a sleeper/commuters who's been pushed off a platform by someone standing too close behind them.
3. Short but nonetheless very important: if you are reading the paper during busy times (viz. the FT and Telegraph, what is it about understanding the difference between the RPI and CPI that makes people such wankers?) then don't do it with the papers opened to the full capacity of your arms' span, with pages turned and re-folded ostentatiously. The financial sector won't collapse if you don't get to read about the merger between GlaxoSmithKline and HMRC right now this very second. Although it's very difficult to tell nowadays, maybe I'll just let that one go.
4. Seat wars. This will hopefully make it to the 2012 Olympics as it is a great British tradition and certainly makes my daily life more interesting. There's certainly nothing like a bit of healthy competition to make your journey go a bit quicker and completely alienate fellow passengers with your scary level of zeal and speed. However, if you lose this vital battle then please accept defeat gracefully, rather than spending the rest of the journey making the victor Pay, by 'accidentally' swinging your shopping bag against their leg. This is hardly likely to endear them to you to the extent that they jump up and offer the seat to you - most likely they'll bide their time a bit, wait 'til you both get off and then push you under a train (see #2). All's fair in love and tube-seat-acquisition: deal with it or...
5. Get better at it, with one of Louise's Top Tube Tips. I don't want to reveal them all, as I worked bloody hard to figure them out and they're MINE. But I will share this: most importantly, you need to find your spot on the platform - not exactly where the doors open but just to the left or right, so that when a train arrives you can casually slink to the side of the opening doors and be oh-so-considerate by letting others off first (naturalement), but then dashing on before everyone else in the vicinity and then you are the winner. This is not sad, it is just part of life. Best to find a visual aid so that you can always go straight to your spot of a morning/evening. My spot used to be marked by a Virgin Active poster which said "Fear not Mr Worry // Cheer up Mr Grumpy", and this understandably topped and tailed my days with a smile. Unfortunately, it was thoughtlessly changed to a poster which depicts Britney Spears' bum in shiny gold hotpants, so I am currently getting some rather bemused/pervy looks from fellow commuters as I await my daily train to the land of joy. Maybe make your visual aid a cracked tile or something else to avoid such embarassment.
6. Escalator usage. Guess what “stand on the right” means? It means STAND ON THE GODDAMN RIGHT. Some people are Very Busy and Important and like to actually move once in a while when in transit – don’t be so bloody selfish. If you don’t move out of the way, prepare to feel the wrath of huffing and/or puffing as we walk annoyedly past, although this could just be wheezing from the exertion of having power-walked everywhere.
7. Once upon a time I would’ve said that it is bad to eat odourous food on the train, however, nowadays I think we’re globalised and enlightened enough to put up with sushi, aloo gobi etc. The glaring exception to this is food which everyone knows smells an astonishing amount worse than it tastes, for example Nik Naks.
8. An oldy but a goody: eye contact. Ask any Lonely Planet-reading, Big Ben-photographing, pavement-taking-up tourist worth his salt about tube etiquette, and he will reply that eye contact on the tube is a Bad Thing (and do you really know the Queen?) However, this is grossly oversimplifying things: plenty of people on the tube make eye contact, but there is a subtly-organised ecosystem in operation - a knack, if you will. Contrary to Urban Legend, most commuters do not sit perfectly still for their whole journey, starting intently at their book/shoelaces. On the contrary, any brief journey will demonstrate that Londoners are a nosy, inquisitive bunch, and it is quite usual to spot a commuter in his natural habitat covertly glancing over his Metro at other passengers, casually surveying his Tube-y kingdom. Where it becomes unacceptable is once looks become ‘over the top’, or lasts for more than a split second at a time. There are exceptions to this rule: it is fine to very obviously regard people who are committing cardinal sins such as being too loud (see especially #1), being drunk or French, sleeping (more so if dribbling or head beginning to loll onto neighbour’s shoulder), or preaching Jesus’ love. In these cases it is actually considered rude *not* to exchange knowing smirks with fellow passengers, while staring as brazenly as you like, perhaps selecting your facial expression from the ‘disapproving/outraged’ spectrum. It is also fine to acknowledge that you and the other passengers are humans sharing the same space when the driver announces that your train won’t be moving from the tunnel for an unknown period of time (generally accompanied by generic gripes about how awful the tube/privatisation is). The other anomaly is when one occasionally spots someone in whom they are romantically (or one-night-standly, for that matter) interested. As seen in bars (since the summer of 1969, when love was invented), the requisite flirting will ensue, which entails stolen glance-eyes meet-then look away, rinse and repeat. However, Tube-land has a new invention which means that the next step of actually talking to the object of one’s desire can be conveniently avoided. Reluctant Rhetts and Shy Scarletts can declare their undying love in 160 characters or fewer thanks to the ‘Lovestruck’ column in the London Paper. I think that anything which encourages tube-users to express their emotions, however passively, can’t be a bad thing.
Finally, I present my easy-to-use guide to eye-contact on the Tube (click it and it gets bigger). I hope it is useful next time you are confused as to why you are being stared at, and whether you actually need to (god forbid) take action. Heaven knows the London Underground needs less passive-aggression and more human contact. Do always keep in mind, however, that at any moment the train could stop, trapping you in a tunnel with these other people for an unspecified amount of time. Might be safer just to go back to furiously reading your book in silence, tutting under your breath.
